I am sooooo in love

Just seeing my man’s shirt hanging in the closet by my desk makes me feel soooo in love. Yum yum yum. I love my man, bear, frog, lover, human with experience and disappointments and humor and anger and lovely human weirdness. I love you! You are my special grown up, my child like friend, my scary loving Man with a capital ‘M’. Thank you human.

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do you get way too stoned?

I get way too stoned. It’s happened 3 times now and every time was when I was smoking with my grown children. I took only 3 to 5 hits and I was so so so stoned. I didn’t like it but it turns out my daughter-in-law (DIL) is excellent at compassion and reassurance. I LOVE that! Thank you DIL! (Mostly she tells me it will wear off soon and that nothing bad is happening and I can just sit where I am.)

So, too stoned. I felt anxious, not exactly paranoid like seeing things or something. It’s not tripping after all. I felt queasy and spin-y last time, and nauseous. I felt tipping over and inability to pay attention. I don’t like it. I felt like I’m frozen or stuck because of the confusion about gravity and inability to pay attention, those make me claustrophobic that I can’t move or talk.

Does it stop me from smoking? For a while, but not too long. How about my 25 pound weight gain that I attribute to smoking, does that make me stop? A bit. And the fact that I feel a need to keep one hand on the wall of the shower so I don’t tip over, does that make me stop? Um, yeah, if it happens a day after smoking. Hey! The floor of the shower slopes down to the drain on both sides thus making it gravity confusing in normal circumstances.

P.S. I don’t eat pot because I hate being too stoned in the distant past. You’d think I’d be savvier now about not smoking that 4th hit or 5th hit that sends me over the edge. “Just take your time”, I should say to myself. I can have the 4th or 5th hit later after I gauge if I’m already full. Right? Or maybe I should just quit because I’m just as happy and fun when I’m straight so what’s the point. I don’t need any social lubricant, I’m inhibition free, for the most part, or so says one of my therapists in the last ten years.

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love seems easy

Blithe, glib, easy peasy, or maybe riptide, unbreakable flow, force of nature. What?! You don’t agree that love seems easy?

I’m loving a man and man oh man is he a man. My age and a force of nature. What is this about me that loves him even when he’s a … hmmm, gentle language here… jerk? annoying? difficult? strong?  I breathe and love him then also and it’s not that hard. So amazing to me. I’m amazing to me, that I can breathe and be, “yep, that’s my giant aggressive man and I love him even now when he’s … difficult”. So weird. I’m usually a control freak worried about other’s impressions. Hunh. Cool. I guess.

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hello again world

Blogging, in it’s true sense of online diary that public can read, is such a weird concept.

Ok, that’s a given.

I have a man in my life and I see him as a number of different types of animal: bull, bear, frog, fish, hippo. All of those are positive images of him to me. Could I tell him that. I sure hope so because I just said that to the entire world of the internet.

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getting stoned is good?

It’s been 24 years since I smoked pot every afternoon when I got home from work around 5:30. Didn’t smoke or drink those 24 years. Felt good. Felt comfortable as not a party girl, plus, um, I was too old to be a girl. It was age 30 -54. What an age! Duh! It was MIDDLE AGE! Having kids, aging parents, divorce, teenagers in jail, grand-parenthood, empty nest, finding a man that is just so satisfying. Amen!

So I started back in June and now it’s the end of February, 8 months. I’ve learned a lot but probably not enough. I’m smoking once or twice a week at night now, like cocktails but ever so much more fun!

Yep, fun. Sometimes. Why do buzzes change? I guess that might be an addict’s question; looking for the perfect buzz. I have straight times that are very buzzed in a good spirit way. Maybe I won’t smoke.

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jane is not special

Jane is not special. Jane is not me. I am not special?

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pissy crabby pants

What’s with the pissy mood, bitch head? Hunh? Think it’s just the gray sky? It’s SUNNY today idiot self! Yes, the sun is not shining on you. Yes, your hand hurts. It’s minor. The most minor pain imaginable. What is with you? Little princess stupid pants, so sensitive and out of whack that you don’t even want to go to yoga where all you have to do is LIE DOWN on the floor. Sounds easy to me. Jump! JUMP up! and listen to lively music and get your self going, drainboard girl. Ug.

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that’s just sweet talk… whaat??

Had a lovely visit with boyfriend. We’re both mid 50’s and have been very serious together for 5 months. He lived with me 6 weeks over the holidays. We were talking about … yep… furniture… and he said that saying stuff about us being together forever was just sweet talk. Hmmm. What does that mean? It meant, it didn’t count. Well I heard it like it counted. Anyway, whatever. I’m still happy with him in this moment and that is all that matters. Tomorrow is unknown.

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music sure helps

I’m 54 and I have a boyfriend… still feel like I’m saying “Hello, my name is janeisnotme and I’m an alcoholic”. Whaaat?! It’s a boyfriend! A partner. First partner man in my life since 2000 when my ex dumped me. Yep, I’m that person. He did me a favor and he was relatively kind about it. Life is good, especially with music. And guess how this comes around in a circle… because boyfriend gave me his fantastic little Bose speaker and that thing is brilliant! And the music coming out of it is brilliant. And that brilliance buoys my time (when I remember music is my friend and turn it on). Sometimes the silence gets kind of stuck and I forget to put on music. Sigh.

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pig head good or bad?

For some reason, probably socio-cultural, I think “pig head” is a decent name to call someone I’m annoyed with. I also use “dick head”, but I tend more towards pig head. But pigheaded has a meaning already. It means stubborn. So maybe being pigheaded is a good thing? Because stubbornness is really helpful for battling through something, pushing ahead, being motivated, getting it done, standing your ground in the face of opposition, etc.

Oddly, I only say pig head in my head, like to myself in my head. I don’t say it out loud. And my go-to word to use as an example for searching on google is “pig”. I say pig head in my head to other heads that don’t hear me. Hunh. What am I trying to say?

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