salesperson won’t sell?

Yikes! I just got really mad and hung up on somebody. I wanted to buy a service and they told me I wasn’t a business. That is not a good model for their selling. It was very annoying. What the hell? On the other hand, I am a pleaser female and even though I politely announced, “I’m going to hang up now,” I still feel mean that I hung up. But I’m so angry! It was a very unpleasant and unproductive conversation. WHAT? Is it all me? Probably. Because the world revolves around me.

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sugar irritations

What the hell. I am SOOOOO irritable. Yes, it’s not interesting. Yes, it’s meaningless. So? SO? You want to make something of it?

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easier to like pretty kids?

Is it easier to like pretty little kids than homely ones? Is this like a horrible evil first world thing to even wonder?

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figuring out job

Job, career, money, supporting yourself. What? Whaaaat?  I freelance and make a fair amount of money for a few hours instead of a little amount of money for a lot of hours, and I end up making very little money, and working few hours. Last night I figured out that either way I would make very little money. So I could make the same money working a little or working a lot. If I’m guilty or unhappy with the amount of money I make, then I can remind myself that either way I make very little money, so making a change will lead to the same not much money but it will be different work that I don’t like? Or do I?

I have found work that I love doing. I like to go do it. It makes me feel like my life is worth while to do work I like. But I always come back to, “what work can I be doing?” In 1976 I wondered this, and every year until 1990 when I had my first son and then every year since 1998. So that’s 14 years plus 16 years is 30 years of every year wondering, “what work can I be doing?” And my real goal, which I knew, was to not work. Hunh.

Glad I figured out last night that I would make the same measly amount with lots or little hours and I should carry on making measly amount with little hours since it is closer, far closer, to my life goals of working little and enjoying the work. Bottom line: I’m grateful that I found work I love that I can do and make the same money in little hours as if I worked lots of hours.

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transition from single mom to gramma girlfriend

I like to think back and sum up and see patterns but I understand that some people don’t. I think maybe because I have no big career or other clear success, it helps me feel useful and worthy of being alive when I sum up. Either way, the year of 2014 that just ended was a big transition year for me. In 2013 I decided to stay here and make a life out of crumbs and in 2014 I sold my big asset (home) and chose a very downsized home, went to therapy to mend my bad feelings about family, and found the balls to try online dating. Voila! Men were willing to schtupp with me and I feel into the arms of a man who clicked in a deeper way and now have a boyfriend. Hunh. 14 years alone talking myself into accepting that I would never be kissed again and now, voila! happy kissing with great feeling behind it.

Bigger than that, transition: the year 2012 was my gate opening year when shared custody ended and I could move anywhere, be anything, live however I chose. I chose to stay here, make a living off of crumbs where the work itself was a treat, enjoy my diverse supportive community and a version of beautiful nature that sometimes makes me CRAZY crazy (dark winter overcast anyone?). Then I worked towards downsizing, found a minuscule house of my dreams, renovated, lucked into selling my giant asset… all the while enjoying my grandchild that my teenagers gave me. And shifting, shifting, shifting, from caretaker single mom into gramma that can come and go, not hosting, not the initiator, not needing to make it all happen or fix every boo boo… the women who could be independent and drop in and out. And maybe 2015 will have more of that… or less. Interested to see.

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out in the cold

Today it’s -10 f outside my house. Boyfriend jokes about leaving little 7 pound chiweenie dog outside for a nice long potty break, like a couple hours. Poor little doggie would become a dog-sicle. I love little chiweenie, but boyfriend stepped in dog poo, IN the house, one time, which admittedly is one time too many, and it was in the dark. Ug.

Gives new meaning to being left out in the cold. I’m an extrovert, meaning I recharge around people. If I were an introvert and recharged alone, would I be grateful to be left out in the cold if it weren’t a deadly cold? Because then I could be alone? to recharge?

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drunk boyfriend, fun?

Dear World that knows everything I don’t know because I’m a sheltered self centered princess: is it fun or not to be with drunk boyfriend? I mean, obviously it’s not fun sexually. That’s a given. Especially in the over 50’s dating crowd, but is it fun to hear the inner most thought? Or are they just blabbedy blabbedy nothings? Is this deep revelation or silly annoyance? Or both? I’m guessing both.

I have a boyfriend for the first time in 32 years or so, and he likes to get drunk to kill his physical and emotional pain, just every now and then. I agree with him that it is not a problem because I like to get stoned and laugh my ass off in the comfort of my own home, so what is the difference? None.

Anyway, I find that staying straight while he ascends into drunkenness is … entertaining… and more? disturbing? informative? scary? sort of all of that.

Your thoughts? Thank you for whatever support you have to offer.

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fixing leads to hating

Hello! Did you not know this? I did not know… at all. If you help someone, fix, or otherwise suggest, you will bear the full wrath of whatever mess ensues and that means someone or something will hate you in the short, medium, and also long run. Do not fix. This is a public service message to me. HellOO! Do NOT FIX!

Also, giving opinion is a horrible way to fit in with people. If you are agreeing to get along, beware! They have every right and opportunity to CHANGE THEIR MIND and then you are screwed because you can’t… change… yours. Too late.

No fixing, whose problem is it anyway, let it all go, and just be yourself. Don’t agree to fit in because you will be doubly screwed sooner than later. Believe me now and remember it later too, dolt girl. Be Your Self. [ SLAP ] “Thank you JaneIsNotMe, I needed that and I’ll come back and re-read this to be reminded…”

[anonymity check, can you tell I’ve been a coder because I used camel back in my “name”?]

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I cause itching

It’s a horrible cycle, but I cause itching, on myself I mean. My lower legs are the main place. I have some minor body weirdness because of being 100 pounds overweight… well, actually 140 pounds overweight, but who’s counting. And my body might not have the best flow or whatever makes everything stay in perspective. Then there’s anxiety. Shhhh. Don’t go blabbing about it. Pretend you have none.

But if I have a mood, fit, or just some unevenness in my skin, and I touch, explore, itch, pick, it or whatever…. then the itching gets worse. And worse. Shit.

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tipping over in the shower

It’s not me [ wink wink ]… it’s the sloping sides of the old cast iron bathtub that serves as foundation for my wonderful shower. And the sloping standing makes for tippy orientation. But hooray! solution! lean on the beautiful blue and white tile, clean and smooth to lend perspective of verticality, safe and no tipping. And when the going is rough, lean one hand on one tile wall and the other hand on the other for a lovely right angle confidence. That’s if your using your arms. Otherwise, I love to just rest my butt on the long wall and it feels safe and strong because my ass is so hugely excellent that leaning an outside edge of it on the tile wall does not make me lean over. Nay, it makes me still pretty much normally vertical. Yay!

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